This weeks 'love it' dilemma answered by our regular Relationship Experts; OnePlusOne (an online org providing great resources for relationships), the Ladies, and the lads.
QUESTION: Tristan is a very good friend of ours. He is a very talented banker, very good cook and loves the theatre and festivals. He is in his mid thirties and despite trying numerous online dating sites for 6 years, and really feeling like he has been putting himself out there for some True Love to come along, he is getting very despondent he can't find a woman. He is a slightly bigger built man and doesn't seem to embrace the gorgeous cuddliness we think he has, maybe he projects this self consciousness? What advice can you give him to embrace who he is and to get himself out there?
Dr Hannah Green, researcher at relationship charity OnePlusOne says:
“As online dating becomes more and more popular, it is developing a new set of problems for singletons - heightened expectations, the potential for many short, sharp engagements, and people who are addicted to looking, without the confidence or social skills to follow through on an actual date.
“In any dating situation people are affected by their past experiences and their expectations for the future. It may be that Tristan has been let down on previous dates and therefore is reluctant to give too much away with new dates, whilst also holding high expectations for the perfect relationship. “Perhaps you should recommend he takes a step back from online dating for a while but organise some social gatherings where he can meet people spontaneously without the dating pressure. If he’s had his confidence knocked back, it’s important he builds it back up rather than expecting a new woman to bring it all back for him.”
The Ladies Say:
Tristan sounds lovely. That was the overwhelming response from the ladies. They suggest that online dating can be a limiting exercise as so much of the initial phase is based on photographs and emails. Two thing which can be completely unrepresentative of a real person. They suggest he goes out and does more activities where there are likely to be female participants, but do the things he loves actually doing? Actually join a theatre club, or do some communal cooking courses (surely there will be a number of woman doing those).
The Lads Say:
The guys say stop with the online dating and go and do some activities where the woman are.
We note the ladies and lads are on the same page this week.